My Destiny & Happiness...
For the past 7 1/2 yrs I have thought daily about why my birth father would fly here to Nanaimo spend the day with Kimme and I and then never speak to us again... :( I sent pics when Ty was born(he came while I was pregnant), and nothing... before this visit it had been 6 years since we had seen or spoke.
It saddens me, it breaks my heart and I am in a place in my life where I need to heal. I am not expecting answers or justifications, I just want to know if he loves me. I have never acted on trying to connect with him becasue I have a Father, a Dad, a man that loves me no matter what a man that was releived when he heard kidney stones came from my mums side of the familyand that his genetics had not contributed to mine! He has completely forgotten I didnt genetically come from him :)
I called my parents and expressed my need to connect with Jeff and my need for either closure or a new type of relationship. To my surprise they were happy:) I didn't want to hurt either of them by contacting Jeff.
Yesterday Ty turned 7! (blog post to come) and exactly 5 years ago yesterday I held Ty a Cars b-day party and moments later heard a knock on the door and was served with papers stamped with the date of Ty's birth stating I was crazy and moments later my kids were gone and it was a full 2 weeks before I saw my babies.... and that began the court custody heartache that all worked out in the end. But it was a chapter of my life that still causes me pain and heartache. With the emotions of Ty turning 7, what happened when he turned 2 and my desire to connect with Jeff, I googled until I found an auntie of mine whom I havent spoken to since I was 13! It was great to talk, she then gave me my uncles number and he gave me my birth dad's number. ...
I called and left a message that went something like this
Its Chelsea your daughter, theres not a day that goes by that I dont think of you, I dont know if you love me and I dont know why, why everything turned out the way it did. It's my sons birthday today and I am an emotional basket case and I hope you call and we can get together soon. Chelsea
......
and now I wait
But while I wait I can sip diet pepsi with my Dad and lounge in the sun! I can smile when he calls to check up on me, I can get as many hugs as I need. I know that regardless of what happens from my phone call that I have had a father since I was 7 who loves every part of me, the good, the bad and the really ugly:) I have a father who loves my children more than me :)
I am also blessed to have Todd a father to our children and the most amazing example to them and me:) Love you Todd
On a side note the reason for my 7 breakdown.....
1. My dad became my dad when I was 7.
2. My birth father has not contacted me in 7 yrs.
3. My oldest son turned 7 yesterday.
4. The painful memories of Ty's 2nd b-day still pull at my heart strings.
5. My exhusband is in town this week and although I am blessed and happy with my life, the negative memories come up and I cry.
6. 7 is my favourite number, it is also the amount of days after Rylie was born that my grandpa passed away :(
7. I am starting the journey of therapy to clear, calm and heal my soul from the inside out...
4 comments:
I keep thinking of that saying, "Good Girls Don't Make History." In this case though, "Pampered Girls Are Not Writers." I think that your experiences have opened up a place in your soul that you are able to express your feelings and touch others. Maybe if nothing else therapy will help you to find the words to express those feelings that so many others will be able to relate to--if you weren't a writer at heart you wouldn't be blogging during this the craziest time of your life.
P.S. Love the picture of Allen!
oh, chelsea!! I hope you get that closure, i am sure it will help you. and you're right... you have two amazing men by your side, no matter what. i am always amazed at what women are capable of overcoming... and you're certainly stronger than you think!
I am so glad you have such good guys in your life. So true families come in lots of different packages.
I understand the need to reconnect with your blood. Finding out I had a long lost great uncle who had the same attributes as my Grandpa who passed made me realize how important heritage is. I hope everything works out for the best. And if not, just remember how many people love you.
Your writing is captivating as always. Keep it up:)
Chelsea, no matter what happens, you are loved by friends the world over.
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